t-minus 13 days......

So here we are, 2 weeks to go and I will be stateside. I should be stress free, enjoying the time I have left and getting excited for my arrival back home, happily organizing my things to pack and spending my nights out living it up in Chimbote for the last time.... right?? Well, the truth is, I am feeling more emotionally conflicted right now than I have probably felt in my entire past 2 years here. I wake up with my heart beating faster, sometimes feeling sick, I don't have an appetite because I am feeling so anxious, and my mind is constantly struggling in between thoughts of home and thoughts of Chimbote and thoughts of my family and thoughts of my Peruvian friends and thoughts of my friends in St. Louis and thoughts of my Hospice patients.... on and on.

Mostly questions. So many questions!! How have I changed that I won't even realize until I am back home?? Will integrating back into my own culture really be something so challenging for me?? What if I feel like a stranger in a world that is at the same time so familiar?? What will happen to the relationships that I have formed in Chimbote for the past two years?? Will I ever walk through these downtown streets at sunset again, feeling the breeze from the Pacific, talking and laughing in Spanish with my friends and eating Peruvian street food?? Or is this the last time that I will ever be in this city?? What will I do when I get back to Texas and the "honeymoon phase" of my homecoming wears off, and I realize I don't know anyone in my hometown anymore and the reality of finding a job, applying for grad schools, and living real life hits me in the face?? What will I miss from here from my daily life that I don't even realize is that important to me?? And... Am I wasting my time by writing this blog right now.... should I be out with friends that I may never see again??

I question like every second of my day.... like, how should I be spending my time to make the most of everything?? Which, in turn, is just a vicious cycle of taking me OUT of the present moment and not really making the most of anything. I have written blogs before about living intentionally in the present, quoting inspirations from everyone from Thich Nhat Hanh to Oscar Romero to Deepak Chopra to Dorothy Day. Being very consciously deliberate with my time and being mentally in the same place that I am physically. Really being "where my feet are". Being attentive in conversations, feeling all of the sensations of the world around me in the present moment, feeling grateful for where I am, who I am with, and what I am feeling right here and now.... not needing to be anywhere else, with anyone else, not daydreaming or looking forward to the future or thinking about the past. But right now, in a time where every conversation begins with "So, not much time left, huh??" and ends with "Don't forget us when you go back to your country", it makes it a little difficult to be truly present.

In some ways I want these 2 weeks to just be over and to just finally be home. Have my goodbyes be finished, my things packed up and unpacked in my room at home, be safe in my house with my mom, dad, grandpa, and kitties. I also feel guilty for thinking that way, and like time here is slipping through my fingers uncontrollably and I am losing so many precious moments.... because I shouldn't want to rush anything. I want to be happy to have each minute of my life here because who knows when I will be back, or if I will even be back. Last year around this time when the missionaries before us were getting ready to leave, I remember Emily, one of them, saying "I am just kind of ready for it to be over, it's now gotten to the point of just being like a waiting game and everyone just talking about us leaving and everyone at home talking about us getting home. I'm tired of the drawn out goodbyes and am in a way just ready for it to be over." (ok, maybe that wasn't an exact quote, sorry Emily, but it was something along these lines.) At the time I thought it was interesting and I guess that makes sense... And now, in her position, I feel exactly the same way.

Kyle and I recently had a retreat with Sister Ivonne where she taught us a very simple and wonderful prayer that goes like this:

"Paciencia, Paciencia,

Paciencia, Paciencia,

Vivir el momento presente,

Vivir el momento presente,

Escuchar con amor,

Escuchar con amor,

Dar,

Recibir,

Celebrar."

Which means.........

"Patience, Patience,

Patience, Patience,

Live in the present moment,

Live in the present moment,

Listen with love,

Listen with love,

Give,

Receive,

Celebrate."

I love this prayer because it is very genuine and straight-forward. And honest. This is exactly how I want to be living my life, not just in these next two weeks but at all times. It was such a blessing to have our retreat at this time and have a few days to sort through our thoughts before the chaos of these next two weeks hits.... all of the goodbye parties, crying see-you-laters, packing up suitcases, cleaning up and sorting through the house, and so on. 

I am trying so hard to keep that prayer in mind and take a deep breath and focus on the present. But often times my very distracted and undisciplined mind takes over and tries to pull my heart in other ways. This blog is more of a reflection than anything, something to help me get my thoughts out, and a plea for prayers and positive vibes sent my way, and Kyle's way, in this time of transition. Please pray for my peace of mind and peace of heart, my ability to live intentionally, and live in the present moment for the next two weeks and continually after. 

Peace

Katie